Can You Ever Go Back?

Can You Ever Go Back?

I grew up living on a lake, a little piece of paradise in a densely populated eastern seaboard state.

 I recently returned from a trip to my hometown in another area of the country. I visited my father who still lives there, my cousins who are still in the area, saw an old school friend who still lives there and never left, and drove around by some of my old stomping grounds, old schools, houses where I lived, etc. Sometimes I feel like I want to move back, then I wonder if I am just being overly sentimental.  With the reality of understanding that yes-things have changed over the years, but also seeing many things still seemed to be just like they were when I left, I began to think about this. It made me ponder what going back would be like and if it could be a successful endeavor or if it would be a big disappointment? When I graduated high school, the first thing on my list was to leave the ‘boring’ town where I grew up and attend college out of state. I wanted to spread my wings and fly away to more exciting places.

I didn’t plan to stay away forever, I just wanted to experience what life was like elsewhere. Here I am years later, and I have not returned to my old hometown or state. I’ve been living across the country, and very far away from the place of my birth. This is not to say I have no desire to return, the fact is I do. Sometimes the yearning is so strong that tears flow out of my eyes. Life gets ever so complicated when you marry and have a family and compromises are made according to your budget, where employment in your field is available, to your desires and those of your spouse, and what you believe is best for your family. That’s just life.

Living away from my hometown and state helped me to realize what a good childhood I had there. Now as the years have gone by, I can say I have lived more years away from my hometown and state, than in it before I left. Family has always been so important to me. Now, my Grandparents and all of my Aunts and Uncles have passed on, only one Aunt, advanced in years, is left. Some of my cousins are still around though, and if I ever get the chance to visit my plans always include them, along with my surviving parent, I even randomly see old school friends who are still around when I visit.

I have often thought of what it would be like to move back, since I have such vivid memories of my youth. Odd as it may seem to some, I do feel like I lost a small part of myself and my heritage by moving away, and I regret that, although there was no way for me to realize that without moving away.

If I knew what I know today, would I make the same decision to fly the coop so quickly as I did then? Maybe/maybe not. I will never be able to answer that question. I lean towards answering that, yes, I would have made the same decision to experience life in a different place, then I would have wanted to return with a stronger yearning than I think I actually have felt in the past. If I had not been able to experience life away, I may have felt cheated out of life experiences and may not have felt the gratitude for the good life I had there, because I would not have anything to compare it to. I might not be grateful for what I had thinking the grass was greener someplace else and never being able to find out.

Maybe it is a good thing to have left and have the pleasant memories I do, but did I miss out on the feeling of community, of connection, I may have had from being a long-term resident there, one of the old timers? I feel like I did, there’s a little hole that refuses to be filled inside me which is anchored to that place. I have never felt particularly tied to the communities where I have lived since. ‘Home’ is just the place where my family and I are presently living, but my roots seem to go back to the place of my youth, that’s the place where home was.

Can a person ever go back? Can it be a successful endeavor to do so? Could you return and still feel satisfied even if you know it’s not going to be exactly the same as when you were a youth? It would be interesting to talk to some people who have stayed in their hometown to get their take on this and also to talk to others who have yearned to return and done so. Did it live up to their expectations? It’s an interesting thing to contemplate that I will probably never have an answer to, but I can let my mind wander in and out of the possibilities.

Coming soon on the blog: more book reviews & top books read half way through 2022...